The Bratwurst

Hey folks so anyhow. 

We’ve had a good day at the beach with the Phillips. Makenna played in the water and we all enjoyed sitting around talking. This is Makenna’s first trip to the beach. As expected from an 8 month old, she was a bit scared of the water at first, but within a few minutes, she was loving it. 

Tyler and Kailey got the little gal a portable pool. You just dig out some sand, put the pool down and fill it up with water. Simple enough. 

So, Chris is digging out the sand while Tyler goes and fills up some pails of water to put in the pool.

Heather: Chris make sure you don’t dig it too deep. She needs to be able to reach the sides.

Me: Yeah Chris. Can’t you do anything by yourself?

Chris looks at me and laughs.

As he’s digging, he is flipping the sand out without looking where it’s going.

Me: Umm. Chris. Maybe you should see where the sand is going.

He looks up and sees he’s flipped several scoops of sand right into his beach chair. 

Tyler and Chris are a couple of sons of beaches when it comes to beach chairs.

We’re all sitting around watching Makenna play. All of a sudden, I hear a loud flop. Tyler was leaning back in his beach chair and he fell backwards! So, let’s just say, it’s video time! I channel my vast Seinfeld knowledge for this hilarious scene. 

Me: Hey folk so anyhow.  Is anybody here a marine biologist? Is anybody a marine biologist?  We’ve got a, beached whale over here. Hello! Hello!  Folks, I’m telling you what, when the Phillip’s are down here, I don’t need to think about doing videos or come up with funny things.  All I gotta do is make sure I have my camera handy.  No commentary needed folks.  Bless his heart.  Be good folks.  Go Yankees! 

Emily: Tyler, you fall down and go boom!

Heather: What in the world did you do?

Tyler looks up at me laughing and gives me a thumbs up.

Heather: You leaned back in it too hard.

Chris: It looks like you broke the arms of the chair.

Heather is laughing hysterically!!

Who says retirement is boring?

We are all sitting inside now as Makenna naps and we are watching the baseball playoffs.

Heather: Where are we going to eat tonight, Dee?

Me: Well there are several places down around here, but we don’t eat down here much. There’s a Crabby Bills and Caddys. 

Kailey: I want crab tonight. 

Me: I think Tyler said he had crabs once.

Emily starts laughing.

Emily: Oh! Let me tell you. The first summer we had our place down here, Dee was here and I was still working in Chattanooga. 

He called me one day and said, “Holy cow! Emily, I’ve got crabs.”

 He sent me a picture of several little black crabs with huge antennae eyes that were in his Yankees room. It had been raining really hard and about 11 different crabs were crawling in the condo. He said it scared him to death because they just stared at him. 

So my boss comes in and I looked at him and said, “Oh my God! Dee just called me and said he’s got crabs.”

My boss looked at me and his mouth dropped open. He thought I was talking about a venereal disease.

Everyone starts laughing!!!

Me: Yeah, those things were crazy looking and we haven’t had any since then either. It was weird.

Me: Well, back to supper. Crab isn’t in season right now down here. I mean, if you’re talking about blue crab. 

Kailey: No, I want king crab. 

Me: OK, well let me look at some menus here. I pulled up Caddys menu and showed it to her. 

Kailey: Yeah, but I don’t see crab on here. 

Heather: Hey,  isn’t there a Crabby Bills up in Clearwater?

Me: Yeah, but this is the original one down here. So, let’s take a look at their menu. 

So, we pull up their menu.

Me: Yeah,  they have king crab, but it’s at market price, whatever that is. 

Tyler: Well, babe, you’ve been wanting king crab this whole trip. So, let’s just go there and get you some.

Me: Oh! Speaking of king crab. Have I ever told you my king crab story? 

Everybody starts laughing. 

Tyler: No, but I’m sure it’s got something to do with taking a dump.

ALERT…If my poop stories are offensive to anyone, then go read something else cause I don’t give a crap!!! Pun intended.

Me: Well, years ago when we used to go to Destin on vacation. We always went to Joe’s Crab Shack and I would get the king crab. They would have it in different seasonings.

 So anyhow, one year they had it in barbecue seasoning. So, that’s what I got. Oh yeah and you get a lot of the seasoning on your finger, so if your nose itches don’t scratch it. I don’t have to mention scratching the other parts. Man, it was great. Back then it was less than $20 a pound.

So, we go back to the condo that evening and watch TV or whatever. So, during the night, I woke up feeling this pain. 

Tyler starts laughing! “Yeah, I knew this was a poop story. I love your poop stories. They’re hilarious!”

Me: So, throughout the night, I didn’t sleep much. I was up four different times pooping my brains out and I had diarrhea all night long. 

And man let me tell ya that BBQ season was just as hot coming out my crack as it was going down!!

So, needless to say, Emily slept through the whole thing. She can’t smell anything anyway. 

So, we get up the next day and everything‘s OK. We get down to the beach and I get in the water with Justin to throw a ball. 

Lord have mercy! Let me tell you, as soon as I got up above my waist and that saltwater hit my butt crack! Oh baby!! Like drinking a bottle of hot sauce!!

Everybody is cracking up, having a good laugh! I think Emily is about to pee on herself.

So, we decide to go to Crabby Bills.

We got to wait a while because Makenna is taking her afternoon nap.

 We are watching the Braves play on TV. Gee whiz! I can’t sit here listening to this 1 for 15 postseason loser. John Smoltz! Who’s his daddy? The New York Yankees!!

All he can do is analyze every single pitch. He’s a Hall of Fame pitcher, but he sure the heck couldn’t pitch against the Yankees. They handed him his rear end every time he went out there. Bless his heart!

Me: Hey Chris! Where is Chris?

Tyler: He’s dropping the kids off at the pool. 

Me: Again? Good Lord. That’s about three times he’s been in there today.

Chris emerges from the bathroom smiling. 

Chris: I wouldn’t go in there for a while. I blew it up!

Me: That’s my boy!

So, we’re all ready to go to Crabby Bills. Tyler, Kailey, Makenna and his folks all pile in Chris’s truck. Their Nissan Pathfinder is in the shop down here having a new radiator put in it. It’s been quite an ordeal for them as it was at a gas station in Gainesville since June. Our sweet girl, Bailee, was in a fender bender back in the summer. 

Well, the little gal is up from her nap. She’s ready for some more fun.

So, we get to Crabby Bills. I’m allergic to paying for parking. So, we parked on the street a couple of blocks behind the restaurant. Emily and I get inside before the rest of them and walk up to the hostess.  It’s a young girl and she says, “How many in your party?”

Me: We got five adults and a baby. 

Hostess: Ok. I have a table right over here. Does the baby need a menu?

Me: No. She’s just 8 months old and hasn’t quite yet learned how to read. 

Bless her heart! Her eyes got big. She looked at me and didn’t know what to say.

Hostess: Well, ok, follow me right over here.

Emily: Stop doing stuff like that to these kids! 

About that time the Phillips crew get there and Kailey is carrying Makenna. There’s a statue of a big black bear behind the waitress. When Makenna saw it, oh man, that little girl’s eyes popped out and her mouth fell open. I kinda giggled and Heather said, “Yeah, I don’t think she knows what to make of that black bear.”

Me: Don’t worry Makenna. He’s a good bear cause he uses Charmin.

We all get settled around the picnic type table. Our waiter comes up.

Waiter: Hi my name is Luis. I will be your server. Can I take your drink orders and any appetizers for you all?

Tyler: I think I will have some gator tail. 

Luis: Ok. I will get that order in and have your drinks right out!

Heather: Well, he’s certainly a cheerful fella.

Me: He’s already working on his tip!!! Now Tyler. The other day you said you were so hungry you could eat the rear end out of a goat. Now you want gator tail?

Makenna is settled in her highchair looking around, taking it all in. She is such a cheerful little gal just laughing and smiling all the time. Well, except when her diaper is full. She gets a little irritated. I can understand. I’m the same way. 

Me: Hey! Kailey look at the menu. There’s your Alaskan King Crab.

Kailey: Yep! I see it, but it says market value.

Me: That probably means it’s $30 and more. 

Tyler: Honey, it doesn’t matter. Go ahead and get it. You’ve been wanting some this whole trip. Just enjoy yourself. 

So, we’re looking at the menu and I like to get their Grouper Reuben with sauerkraut. Speaking of sauerkraut, that’s another New York story for another time. Then, I see this other smaller menu on the table and it’s their Oktoberfest menu. It has bratwurst on it with sauerkraut, German potato salad with cucumber and onion salad. 

Lius comes to get our orders.

Me: I’ll have the Bratwurst.  

In the meantime, they get out Makenna’s supper. They start her with some peas. Kailee gives her a bite. 

Oh man, she starts making a face like she’s saying, “Oh no! This stuff tastes nasty!” 

We all started laughing. Kailey tries to give her some more and the little gal just starts jerking her head back. She ain’t gonna have anything to do with that.

Kailey: Ok. Let’s try some sweet potatoes.

Makenna likes the taters.

So, we’re waiting on our food and just chatting a bit.

Tyler: I still want to go up to Clearwater Beach and get me a pair of Sanuks. 

Me: Then, we need to go to Freaky Tiki and get them. They have a great selection and that’s where  I always get mine. 

We end up going there the next day and Emily helped him find a pair just like mine. Except, they’re a darker shade.

Naturally, I was off acting goofy with Kailey in the store. 

When Tyler walks up to the register, the guy says, “Do you want me to leave them in the box or would you like to wear them out?”

Tyler: Just put them in a box. I’ll put them on later. 

I had on my new pair and the guy looks over at me for some reason. Then looks down at my shoes. So I couldn’t help myself.

Me: Buddy, if it’s alright with you, I’m just gonna wear my new pair out. 

His eyes got big and he looked at me funny. I know he was thinking, “Is this guy trying to steal these things right in front of me?”

I just waved at him and walked on out. When Tyler comes out of the store, he bursts out laughing.

 Tyler: Man, did you see that guy’s face when you said you were gonna wear those shoes out? He thought you were stealing them!

Me: Giddy up. 

Well, our food is finally here. Everybody looks at their food and starts digging in. 

Me: Kailey, are you enjoying your King Crab? 

Kailey: Yeah, this is great. 

I took a bite of my bratwurst and it was really good. I stick my fork in the rest of the sausage and hold it up.

Me: Emily, do you want to try a bite of my sausage? 

Emily: Oh, that sausage looks really spicy. I’d have to try it at home. 

Me: Oh great! I’ll be glad to let you try my sausage when we get home, but I mean do you want to try this bratwurst?

Heather covers her ears up and shakes her head like Makenna.

Heather: No! No! No! I don’t wanna hear this! It’s too much information!

We all start laughing.

Makenna is finished eating. Tyler gets her some toys out of his backpack. She’s got this toy and keeps throwing it on the floor and watches as her daddy picks it up each time and hands it back to her.

Me: Hey Tyler. You know she’s thinking, “I wonder how many times he’s going to keep picking that toy up? “

This gal comes by with a camera and says, “Do you all want a courtesy picture? It’s free.”

So anyhow, we get a picture and she leaves. 

Me: You know she’s gonna come back in a few minutes and ask if we want to buy any pictures. And, of course, Emily is gonna buy one because she loves our family “pimentos.” Even if they are a little cheesy.

We’ve all got our bellies full and it’s time to leave. Tyler has the little gal’s toys loaded up in his backpack. As we get up, this couple that is sitting at the table behind us. The guy says, “Excuse me, sir. You’re zipper is open.”

I pulled my shirt up and looked down at my pants cause I had on a pair of my hybrid shorts that don’t have a zipper.

Me: Buddy, I ain’t got no zipper. 

The guy: No! I’m not talking to you. I mean his backpack is unzipped.

Me: Oh! My apologies. I thought you were talking to me.

The guy: Oh! That’s alright. It was funny anyway.

Me: Giddy up!

We walk out of the restaurant.

Heather: Well, I think we’re gonna go shopping a little bit. Do y’all  want to go with us?

Me: Heck no! We can’t go shopping. I got to get home. Remember Emily wants to try my spicy sausage.

Heather: No! No! No! That’s too much information!

Bless her heart!