“Excuse me, sir. I hear there is a baseball meeting at 1 o’clock today.”
“Hey Billy Ray! What’s up?”
My buddy, Al, has been calling me that for several years now. There have been several instances over the years, in New York, when tourists mistake me for Billy Ray Cyrus. I’ve even taken pics a time or three with folks. That’s another story coming at some point.
“Well, I’ve got the day off. Emily and Ming are out running around shopping and such.”
I take my beach chair off my shoulder and set it up.
Al: “Hey, is that a new chair you got there?”
Me: “Yeah, we got it not long ago at Walmart. You know how I used the same style chair for quite a while? Well, it was always sitting lower to the ground. My old hip kind of started hurting when I was sitting in that chair. When I would get home, I would have trouble with it at night. Then, it would still be hurting the next morning. When I sat on the throne, my hip hurt and I had trouble getting up. I mean, I know Emily ain’t coming to the bathroom and helping me off the crapper! There’s two things you can’t have trouble doing, sitting at the beach and sitting on the throne. So, I finally told Emily, I’ve got to get a different chair that sits up higher. I want to enjoy myself when I’m at the beach. So, we stumbled upon these at Walmart, one day. She liked it so much, she got one too. I hate spending money on beach chairs. It’s really sturdy and, of course, it’s royal blue. My Red Bank color. I hate buying beach chairs, since I’ve found a few out here over the years. Well, by find them, I mean the chair has been left unattended for some time.”
Al: “Yeah, all my chairs have come from out here. I think I’ve picked up about 8 chairs out here, over the years, all just like this one. Hey! Finders keepers! When I used to do my walks in the evening, if I saw a chair and there wasn’t anybody around, hey, that chair was mine! Heck, I even carried one all the way from South Beach one time. So, if you leave your chair sitting out and it’s my style, I’m going to take it.”
Me: “Oh man! Look at this day. We are getting into the best time of the year down here. Not as many people. Weather cools off a bit. Sunny every day. Folks up north will be freezing their butts off. Enjoy the walks without sweating. We’ve got it made.”
Al goes for a walk every morning around 11 A.M. before he sits out for the afternoon and reads. Like me, he’s getting older and now he only goes on one walk a day. A few years ago, he had his hip replaced and needed a cane. He had me get him a Mizuno fungo bat that he uses to walk at the beach. If you ask him why he’s got a bat at the beach, he will tell you it’s to fight off the women.
For years, Al would walk in the mornings. Sit out and read at the beach. Go for another walk, every day, at 2 o’clock. Then, again, after he had his supper. So, when Emily and I first started living down here, we would find a free parking spot along the street and sit down near the pier. Soon, we started noticing every day, around 2:15, this guy would come walking by in a baseball cap, wearing a speedo. I noticed, on the weekends, when we were at the beach, he would always have on a Los Angeles Dodgers baseball cap.
It got to be, when we were at the beach, around 2:15, I would say, “Well, about time for the speedo guy.” Sure enough, here he would come. One day, Emily said, “Why don’t you get you a speedo and wear it?” Of course, she was laughing. Knowing full well I can’t stand any kind of whitey tighty type garments. I said, “Are you kidding me? If I had on a speedo, there would be so many bubbles coming out of the backend, some little kid would run up behind me and start popping them like bubble wrap.”
One day, there was no parking up toward the pier. Free parking, I mean. There’s no way I’m going to pay for parking. I’ve always been fortunate finding parking spots. It’s a running joke with my Seinfeld buddies that I’m the George Costanza of parking. So, I drove down past Frenchy’s Rockaway Grill and found a side street to park. Well, I’m sitting out there reading a book. The next thing I know, here comes the speedo guy walking out of the building.
I thought, “Oh ok, that’s where the speedo man lives.”
So, as he walked by me, I said, “Hey sir? Where is your Los Angeles Dodgers cap today?”
He stopped, looked at me and said, “I only wear that on the weekends.”
Me: “Well, I’m a Yankees fan. How long have you been a Dodgers fan?”
Speedo Man: “Oh, I’m not a Dodgers fan. A friend of mine gave me this cap.”
So, we started talking about baseball a little bit and we’ve been buddies ever since then.
He loves getting free stuff and finding things. His gal, Barbara, often buys him shoes, sunglasses or whatever at yard sales.
One day, he had on some Columbia blue crocs.
Me: “Oh, you got you some new shoes.”
Al: “Heck no. Somebody left these up by my building. Another time, he had on a pair of navy, striped Adidas sweatpants, when we were at his house.
Me: “Man, I like those sweatpants.”
Barbara: “What are you talking about? Those aren’t his! They’re mine!”
Al: “Well, they fit!”
We had a good laugh over that.
If you do some free shopping at the beach or the dumpster, you can find some good things. I found a really nice golf bag up at our dumpster one time. I gave it to Chris Phillips. He still uses it. As I mentioned earlier, we’ve found some nice chairs sitting out at the beach that people have left. One of them, David Green uses every time he comes down here.
Another time, Tyler and Kailey came over for a few days from Disney. They were working there for a semester. They’ve since gotten married. Congrats to Tyler and condolences to Kailey. I call her BHH, for Bless Her Heart, since she’s married to that goof! Oh yeah, they’re expecting a little gal next February. Just in time for baseball season.
So anyhow, we are walking at North Beach, since we started parking on Mango St. Yes. Free. We get down near Hulk Hogan’s mansion. Lots of dunes and rarely any folks around there. So, hey, it’s my whiz spot. They’re looking for shells while I voided my bladder. I think BHH ended up with a whole bag of shells. The further you go on North Beach the more abundant are the shells.
As I’m whizzing, I see a couple of beach chairs and a beach cart almost covered in sand. Like they had been there awhile, abandoned. See, when you’re shopping at the beach, the key is to ascertain if the item appears to be abandoned. If not, you’re stealing it. I go over and take a gander and, heck, they looked salvageable. The cart was a little rusty, but who the heck cares. The wheels work! So, I came out of the dunes with my newfound bounty.
I thought Tyler was going to wet himself when he saw me.
Tyler: “What the heck are you doing with those chairs?”
Me: “Hey! Nothing like some good dune shopping.”
I carted that stuff all the way back and gave the chairs to Tyler and BHH.
Emily texted me to say that she and Ming were at Peltz shoes, but she isn’t buying any shoes. Now, she’s been around me long enough to pick up on my semantics. So, I’m thinking, “OK, you didn’t buy any shoes, but I bet you bought something else out shopping.” Yep, sure enough, when I got home, she confessed that she did buy some other things. That’s my gal.
Al: “Has Will been able to go to the playoff games?”
Me: “Oh yeah! He and his gal, Lilly, have been to every single one of them.”
Al: “I bet he really loves living right outside that stadium.”
Me: “Oh yeah! They are having a great time. Their seats are down the first baseline. It looks like they may be going to the World Series. Something I’ve never done. He’s living his dream for sure. If the Braves make it, it will be the first time since 1999. The year of “Mud Boy.”
Me: “How is Barbara doing? Is she back from flying?”
Al’s gal Barbara has been a flight attendant at American Airlines for many years.
Al: “Yeah, she’s back.”
Barbara likes sitting at the beach, too, but she’s always busy with something going on most days.
Me: “I looked on the ‘Al cam’ a day or two ago and I didn’t see you sitting out here.”
You see, there’s a condo building right by where Al sits every day. It has a camera on top of the roof. It’s Beachresortcondos.com if you want to check him out.
Al: “Yeah, we were out doing something and didn’t get back till about 1:30. So, we just sat out at the beach down by my house. I went out before she did to set my chair out like I always do and then went for my walk. When I got back and was getting close, I was looking for my chair and I didn’t see it. I asked this couple that was sitting nearby if they saw what happened to my chair.”
They said, “Yeah, some guy on a beach cart from the yacht club came by, took your shoes and sunscreen out of the seat, picked it up, loaded it up and took it with him.”
Al: “Well that’s my chair! He stole my chair!”
The folks said, “Well, I guess he thought it belonged to the yacht club down there. It must be the same color.”
I started laughing. I just couldn’t help myself.
Al: “That really made me mad. Somebody stole my chair. So, I went back to the house and told Barbara about it. I told her I was gonna call the Clearwater Beach police and report the yacht club for stealing my chair.”
Me: “Oh man. What did she say?”
Al: “Well, she looked at me and said, “You may wanna think about that before you call them.”
Al: “Why?”
Barbara: “Well, it’s not even your chair. You took that chair from somebody else years ago!”
coachdeesays 